Mr. Wonderful

its not about whether or not I have an eye on anyone. or that he has his eyes on me. both of them.
it IS;however, about sitting down and spending the evening with Jesus. You know? hangin out. praying. talking. seeing and thinking about things the way he does, or would, if he were a fan of grey's anatomy./ I can't believe he packed up and left so fast! wow. ( season final,wedding insanity)
These past few days i have been so acutely aware of the fact that God is with us at all times. that he enables, empowers, and presents a vast array of oppotunities constantly throughout a single day. Tonight I was watching t.v. and during the wedding thing, i don't know... call is a female *nesting* syndrome moment. But I all of a sudden felt the love that was not just around, but inside of me. it was a big breakthrough. i mean, aware of Jesus and all of his love? -yes.
but aware of the fact that he's working in me, and that includes working on how I am going to love someone so much one day. It was...beyond assuring. I mean, being here at Hillsong makes is SO easy to experience the love of God, but also fairly difficult to believe that I will get to experience it with another person. No, its not that theres no one i know here, because i am getting to know many incredible people.
But the hard part pops up ..not daily.. maybe a few times a week. when i miss home. when i have no money for food. when i look at myself in a reflection of a wall in the mall and see someone who could look a bit better if she had more than about 4 shirts, rotated,week in and week out. consumption ,for me , is at a minimum. and I am not complaining because i really do LOVE it. I love that I respect what God gave me, that I dont waste money or take anything i have for granted. i like my * green slash Jesus slash hippie and world peace slash out to make a movement of love and justice in the world of a heart*..... but the more I find me. the more I am finding it harder to believe there is someone out there as... umm.. eccentric? eclectic? some random, rare adjective like that. and the fear can't get to me, i wont let it. I trust God has him stored away somewhere. And I pray that God is working and growing in his beautiful heart just as much as He is working on mine here. So there it is. tonite. a love so deep discovered in my heart that I can't wai to give and share with one man someday. I think the most exciting part of.. relational aspects... is the discovery that I have that love, and that desire to give it.
Those of you who know me can say that I am more likely to read Wild at Heart to better understand myself than captivating. and its true, I had to read wild at heart to prep myself for captivating, which i still didnt really like all too much. I just dont understand why the typical christian woman or wife is seen as the backseater. the mom in the kitchen. the household side.
YES! i love it! yes, i am a neat freak and kid lover. but, why cant the church start some new promo that says, hey! we realize that there are women of God out there who would rather chop some firewood for their woodstove and cabin than turn the propane knob.
there are christian women out there who would rather build huts and spend a lifetime among the communities of the nations and investing in them be in through development, health, law or education..than... than spending a lifetime raising family.
and i believe you CAN do both. I also think you can do one instead of the other.
not sure what I'm really getting at anymore.
there's just been such a typical stereotypical image set out as the *proper* female christian, and it has made it anything but easy finding my place and image and self as a female christian,even one as the only christian in the family. as a woman to be a wife. as a wife to be something more than that... and im not complaining, because im not bitter. but.. when you realize so quickly that you are the girl not dating someone in the church, but that the girl who's dad is the pastor, or works for the church, or mom owns a christian company, or something like that.. that is the *good christian girlfriend* the one the guys go after. its not a judgement thing or bitter comment, just an observation. One that can slightly dampen hopes of being seen * just as good of a women* as those raised in a christian family.
granted, even today it can rear its head like a cloud overway among certain crowds, pouring over my head and heart with insecurities that I won't ever be good enough....

thats such devilwork. on any level, feeling like you will never be good enough???!
thats definately not of God, and not what the bible says. But something tells me that unti I see it proven wrong in a realistic sense, some part of me will still easily fall for that stupid lie.

its definately something to work on getting rid of. Something I need to pray about and take to God. Its something that needs to be mended in my heart. Its an outlook that needs to be proven wrong. That even though its a pattern, I am not a pattern, but a part of God's intricate design.
The more i find out about who I am, the more I can't help but feel encouraged and a bit curious at the same time. I mean, if I'm this random and creative, crazy and fickle...whats my husband going to be like?
A slight image of a courageous, lumber-jack*ish, gentleman meets man of the wilderness comes to mind. protector. ooo. thats such a cool word. say it.. PROTECT OOORR
i wonder if he'll have a beard. i can take that. thats pretty sweet.
basically my husband will look like Jesus. Which, when you think about it, is what he should look and be and live like right?
i wonder if he'd even have a bit of a beard...
signed,
excited for the future, skinny jeans, leggins,unknown, new overseas friends and relationships,great barrier travelling, living and loving forever and a day, youth ministry for the year, bass playing,ushering with lois,theatre-going,phototaking,play watching, writing, women of God, reading.....tea drinking.. ok. you get the idea. i need sleep. buenos noches.